“You’ll have a softer landing.”
This was the message I received over and over again during meditation during my pregnancy. I saw myself falling into complete darkness, but in late autumn there was always a pink feather to catch me.
The message promised a different outcome. After a traumatic hospital birth that ended in a caesarean sectionThe only thing that mattered to me was the ability to feel connected to my body (the epidural prevented me from experiencing this) and a natural birth.
The birth takes place in the dark. It is a movement inward, into the deep cave within you. But it’s safe there. Have no fear.
In mid-April, labor began intermittently. It seemed to me what they called “false labor.” These contractions are a little stronger than with Braxton Hicks, but they come and go. I lived in this strange liminal space of ‘waiting’ for a few days. Then the contractions finally increased on April 17th. They were manageable and I felt ready and excited.
I had worked with my midwife and doula for months to prepare for this. I felt safe, seen, heard and fully supported in my desires. In the hospital I didn’t feel this sense of security because people around me kept changing and often did things without asking or explaining.
I had been working on creating my vision for this home birth. I wanted grounding smells and sounds around me. I was given a eucalyptus diffuser, earthy candles to light the room, and a shamanic drum playlist to take me into a deep dive as the waves moved through me.
I worked in the bath for a while and then in the bathroom, where it went faster and faster. Then I lay down on the bed, with my husband by my side. He held me from behind, and every time a contraction started, he told me this mantra to help me surrender more to the waves: “I’m open. I’m expanded.” I repeated the words and felt the expansion happening within me.
I moved gracefully through the waves until the transition. I now understand why they call it transition. It is such a challenging moment during labor because the sensations of the body completely change. From here there is no turning back. The urge to push was strong, but every time I did it felt like my lower parts were breaking into pieces. Part of me resisted…
“If you want to birth this baby, you have to be ALL in.”
These words from my midwife changed everything. I completely surrendered to the strongest sensation I have ever felt in my life. After 3 hours of giving everything, progress was good, but not fast enough. The last chance was to try it on the bed in the classic ‘hospital position’, so we did that.
My midwife told me that given my medical history, she didn’t want me to push for more than 2 hours. I knew she was doing everything she could to help me have the birth I wanted, but hope was fading. We walked to the bed and I pushed. At the eleventh hour something took over, a force greater than me. My daughter’s head started to come out.
Everyone thought it was a miracle. And from then on, things moved quickly and eventually…
Evalyn was gone.
April 18, 4:36 AM, Sun in Pisces – If you expected me to say “Aries,” read my article on true sidereal astrology.
They put her on my chest. She didn’t cry and immediately her skin turned a healthy pink. We started breathing together. It was a new breath for both of them:
The breath of new life.
This second chance at birth gave me my strength back. It required a new level of surrender, and I felt expanded in a way I can’t put into words. This portal has changed me on a cellular level. I use these extension codes in my work as a mother coach and healer.
When it comes to how you give birth, the hospital is not the only choice. You have options. Midwives are professionals who review your medical history and determine whether you are a good candidate for a home birth. I have had a c-section before so there are things that need to be evaluated to see if this is possible. If VBAC at home is an option, trust yourself and your body.
-
Don’t let anyone decide for you.
-
Don’t let the opinions of others influence you.
-
Don’t move away from your vision.
Now I feel like my level of embodiment as a teacher has reached the next level. I have been through challenging pregnancies, traumatic births, postpartum depression and anxiety, and I have healed. Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, I can teach you to connect with your body, feminine power, and intuition so you can become the Empress Mom you are meant to be.