Do you know that feeling when a friend calls to let you know that she is in the neighborhood and asks to come by? Of course you say yes, but until the very last second when the doorbell passes, you push all the mess in the Hall cabinet, hoping that she will not notice the random socks that stick out under the door. I am doing well. Everything is fine. Do you see how nice everything appears? I am an expert in this.
I get this whole gloss-over gumption from my grandmother. When my uncle, her firstborn, was diagnosed with Lou’s disease with a short life expectancy, we gathered as a family to pray for wonderful healing. A few minutes inside, with tissues past and sweet vulnerability thick in the air, my grandmother stood up with dry eyes on her place on the couch, clapped her hands and called the prayer time over. Time to talk about something else. Everything else: “We will no longer be babbling about this. He will be fine.”
Somewhere along the way, it is easier of us that it is easier to bury our heads in the sand or wipe something ugly or uncomfortably under the rug, to pretend that the problems are not there. As long as I can remember, I saw my grandmother set up a good fuchsia-lipstick face, stay positive and always hyperaware of what everyone would think. This is how she led her life. And from my perspective it looked pretty great. She was very nice, social, the most generous hostess, and always praised the newest success of her family to those who joined her that day for coffee on the veranda. But if she asked you to rub the tight spot on her back, it was like putting your hands on concrete; The muscles were knotted and hard. I wonder if all those years keep everything together so tightly weighed on her shoulders, never to be released until the day she went home to be with the Lord. Now, if her back felt
This, how felt the deepest, most vulnerable hidden parts of her? Loaded, heavy, confused, always responsible, bound? I love many things about my grandmother, but this stubborn desire to keep everything “good” is not one of them.
In the course of a year I started to wake up how my pursuit organized tied me. Just like my grandmother, I exchanged the deep -rooted true peace of wholeness, safety and well -being for superficial performances. For the first time I clearly saw my life and my way of being, and I didn’t like it. Covering and ignoring that the second nature had become now uncomfortable and clear. The hall cupboard of my soul began to bulge with all the junk I had stuffed there with the hope that it would all disappear. Some metaphorically lost socks began to show.
We all have our own struggles, and at the time I did the best that I knew how. I don’t have to be ashamed of the Emily of this era, but I certainly want to learn from her. What we give our attention to shape our thinking and train our affections. I have held many useless beliefs that turned me into a person I never wanted to be.
I spent on breakdown scales day and day on eggshells and tried to do everything I could to make Ryan happy, always afraid to disappoint him. If I am perfect, I thought, if I keep the house clean and the children worn well, if I am first apologetic and pleasant and attractive, he will find me worthy. His approval from mine meant everything, and I never had the feeling that I could get enough. This is of course a terrible way to approach
A wedding partner and an equally disastrous place to look for true identity. Ryan chose to marry and love me, and apart from the normal two-man-living-under-one-roof types of disagreements, he never allowed him to be disappointed in his choice to share his last name and life with me. But that did not stop me from doubting his love and acceptance.
I avoided every conversation that felt like a conflict, even with the people closest to me (especially with the people closest to me), and played that all-known game to suck my feelings when they were injured legitimate. I just closed my mouth, handled it in my own heart and continued as if nothing happened. But deep down I felt fired and unimportant, which fed the conviction that I might be
To blame and made me harder to get approval and prevent someone.
My expectations had gotten out of hand. There was no way in which I could be the kind of mother, wife, friend and wife that I put under pressure, and as a result I felt a failure in almost all ways. Even when my husband, children, friends and online community told me that I was great, was the critical inner voice that was more likely to me louder and more influential. It told me to get my act together and prove the world
That I was enough.
Over time, it became impossible to keep my efforts to create a life that looked good on the outside and hiding what was not in order. The worst of everything, I didn’t like who I was. In an attempt to keep life smooth and arranged, I had turned into a self -removing control freak, desperately looking for attention and afraid of failing. Without realizing it, I forgot who I really was, and I hurt the people I held the most in the process. Despite what I wanted to believe so desperately, it was not right. I longed for a fixed mind, but went on the wrong direction. Ryan’s New Year’s word was much more accurate for what real healing would look like. I needed a commotion to be released to find the deep wholeness, sustainable peace and true safety that I so longed for.
We each have our own confusing brew of beliefs and behaviors that have supported us through life. At this point in the invitation for an abundance of life, I urge you to look deep at yourself and your beliefs – to remove the fog of familiarity and pay attention. Do you like what you see? Are you who you want to be? Do you follow what you want to pursue? Do you hold stubborn to “great” as I was? Are you looking for relationships, material assets or performance to prove your value? How are you really doing?
Don’t forget the promise of Jesus: “Come to me. Go away with me and you will restore your life.” It’s okay to admit that it’s not in order. It is even the first step towards freedom.
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Free and lightThrough Emily LexOffers a deliberate path to experience peace, satisfaction and true fulfillment by walking with the Lord. With recognizable stories and honest reflections, Emily shares how following him can help you can find real peace, freedom of expectations, calm trust and more.
Do you breathe a sigh of hope if you hear this saint and soft invitation from Jesus? “Come to me … Stay company with me and you will learn to live free and light to live.”
If so, you are ready to accept his offer to restore and extend your life. Start your trip today. Read more about the book and how you can buy here.