It does not matter what season of work or parenting is here, there is a universal truth that I have come in the hard way: We are not meant to do it all alone. And yet, if you feel like the working mothers I am talking to, it feels hard to ask for help. It is not something that most of us feel comfortable. So we choose to find out and do it ourselves, which often leads to exhaustion, overwhelming and resentment.
Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Let’s just call it: most of us, especially mothers, find it difficult to ask for help. We have received a million subtle (and non-so-subtle) messages about what it means to be a “good” mother, selfless, competent, always give, never need it.
We have absorbed beliefs such as:
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If I ask for help, this means that I fail.
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Everyone is busy. I don’t want to be bothered.
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If I can’t answer, I shouldn’t ask.
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I don’t even know What I would ask for it.
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This is not That bad. I can sort it out myself.
Does one of those known sound?
They do for me! I think of the newborn days, tough seasons in my career, or when one of my children was pretty sick and we hardly kept our head above water. I would tell myself “I have this. I’ll just go through it.” And certainly, I survived. But it had to be so hard?
Rewrite the story about help
Somewhere along the way we started treating help as a limited source. As asking for help means that we have used up a favor that we can never come back. But this is what I learned:
Help is not finite. And support is not a score on a score card.
Nobody follows how often you have asked. And if they are? That can say more about them than about you.
Because this is what actually happens when you ask for help – when you give someone the chance to appear before you:
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They say yes if they can.
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They feel Good About being there for you.
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It strengthens your relationship.
So how Doing You learn to ask for help
If you are not sure how to ask for help or what to say, you are not the only one. Here are a few things that helped me to practice the ability to ask for help:
1. There is no “right” time
Waiting for the “right” moment or the critical time to ask for help is a recipe for burnout. If you feel the push now, it would be a little easier with support, if you were a little easier, It’s the right moment. There is no qualification or threshold that your request must pass to be valid. It is because you decide it is!
2. Other adults can say no
Your job is just to ask. And their job is to decide whether they can help or not. A no does not mean that you were wrong to ask. It just means they can’t do this – and that’s okay.
3. Be specific
The more specific you are, the easier for someone to say yes (or no) with clarity and trust. Instead of “Let me know if you can help,” attempt:
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“Can you pick up a few things for me this week at Costco?”
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“Can you drive my son to the camp tomorrow?”
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“Would you be open for an hour on Friday to look at the children so that I can catch up work?”
When my son was sick, people asked how they could help. In the beginning I pulled a blank. But then I realized: someone could drop a coffee. Or borrow a puzzle. Or grab snacks from Trader Joe’s. Small things that were easy for others to say yes, but felt enormous For us.
4. Say thanks (and mean it)
Whether it is a text, a speech note or a handwritten card, let people know that their help mattered. “That hour changed my day.” “You have no idea what that coffee meant for me.” or “Having our favorite snacks that are so much more manageable this week.” It doesn’t have to be much to make the other person feel appreciated.
Normalize questions. Receive normalization. Normalize Portion.
Here is the part I want to think about: if you ask for help, you give other women permission to do the same.
You break the cycle of everything yourself. You show that power does not mean that you do it alone. You live the message that we are not meant to make our way through motherhood, just survive.
In the last few days I have:
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Asked my sister -in -law to grab things at Costco.
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My husband asked to handle it before going to sleep so that I could catch up with the work.
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A neighbor asked for a ride to the camp.
And do you know what? It felt so good. I don’t pretend to be superhuman. I am just a working mother who does her best and builds her village.
If you are in a season where you have the capacity to provide help – do it. Not to repay a favor. Not to keep the score. Just because you can. Whether it is a newborn while a friend shows a neighbor or text to say: “I have room in my car for drop-off”, it’s all important.
Ask exercise
If you feel overwhelmed, if the task list is too long, if you hardly keep it togetherAsk for help.
Excercise. Get the representatives. Start small. Be honest. Be specific.
We were not meant to do this completely alone. And the good news?
We don’t have to do that.